more than a little, under the weather

A wave of sickness always hits you at the worst possible times. I'm supposed to be working and saving money for my trip to New York in a couple of weeks. I am supposed to be training for my half marathon. I am supposed to be running my half marathon in 4 days. I need to make some major life decisions.

But all I can do is lay here. In my bed, on the couch, in my bed again. I might go crazy if I have to spend another day in this apartment. When you stand up and feel like you are going to fall over though, it's probably a sign you should stay put.

My body just feels extremely weak. I get faint when standing for too long, I get nauseous if I move too quickly. I cough every second of the day which makes me feel like I have a 6-pack of abs, and I definitely do not. My fever finally went down, which is a blessing.

Sometimes during these moments, you just wish you were a little kid at home with your mom taking care of and catering to you. For now, informational and comforting texts of her telling you she wishes you were together so she could take care of you will have to do.

This all probably stems from me running my body like a crazy person. I need to remember to slow down every once in awhile. Not eating the healthiest, exercising every day, hiking a couple miles in the cold to sit in natural sulfur hot pots and hiking back in the middle of the night (not that smart either), then continuing to go go go the next day... is a recipe for disaster.

we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.

do we really though?
sometimes i feel like i get stuck and accept something, when i know i deserve better.
its a twisted twisted world of love out there.

a fork in the road

I've come to a fork in my road. Obviously, there are decisions to be made daily... what I am going to eat for breakfast, what time I should go to the gym, etc. But this is bigger than that, where do I need to be the next couple years of my life?

I can't get over the fact that my next birthday is 25. I use to think that that was so old, but never really thought of exactly where I would be or what I would be doing. Joining the church wasn't something that ever fit into my plans either. I am happy with where I am, but where do I go from here?

I need to work on Heavenly Fathers timetable. I heard this time and again in this recent conference. Henry B. Eyring said, "God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to his will, and his time." No truer words have been spoken. I need to focus on my faith, and doing all that I can to make Him proud.

As I lay here on my couch, in my pajamas, listening to the most beautiful song I have heard in awhile (will list at the bottom of this post), I cant help but think of the last day that I saw Jake. He's been back on his mission for almost a year now, which is crazy to me that time has flown by that quickly. But I remember being sai because when he left we were 23 and when he gets back we will be 25. Thats pretty obvious, but its the fact that our lives will have changed in so many ways. I could have been married and had kids within that time period. Obviously, that isn't happening haha, but that strong friendship that we had was put to a halt and we both have been growing separately in different ways.

I am excited for the future even though I don't know what it holds. I am excited to work on myself and having faith in Heavenly Fathers timing for things. I promise to try and be more optimistic and to serve others more.

Bon Iver - Holocene

Becky, Desi and I at the football game

the little things

Right when I am about to consider throwing myself a pity party, I am reminded of how much I am blessed! It's been one of those weeks where you don't understand why things are the way they are, and where to go from here. You are constantly trying to get it stuck in your head that, Heavenly Father has a plan, and we can't go off our timetable, but we need to go off his.

With that said, filling my time is top priority. Nobody likes wallowing in their self pity alone at home. Went to Becky's soccer game and afterward I started the short walk to the gym and ran into our home teacher who was bringing our apartment sundae's from McDonalds! (He knows how much we love McDonalds, which is a lot). After my short stint at the gym... excuses aside, my knees really do hurt and I just didn't want to be there, I came home to plate of cinammon rolls on our doorstep.

Those small acts of kindness go far. I am so appreciative of the small things, I am beyond blessed.

On a side note, I went to a "white party" with my friend Ryan a couple weeks back. It was his friends party in their backyard. It was honestly the cutest little thing I have ever been too. The pictures surfaced online so here they are!

it's about doing and becoming

Prior to conference, I could tell that this boost of faith would come to me in a large amount. I am beyond grateful for our living prophet Thomas S. Monson and every leader in the church. General conference is that twice a year extra push we get from our Heavenly Father saying, keep going, I am here for you. He speaks to us today in numerous ways and through the speakers at conference they can share one thought and millions of us can get just what we need from it. It translates to each and every one of us, in our own personal ways.

My roommate and I were just discussing how much the little things matter. Reading our scriptures, striving to keep in mind the things that matter most, trying to find ways to serve others, prayer, etc. When you start letting go of those things that seem so small, you are slowly letting go of small parts of your faith.

Every single day I need that feeling from my Heavenly Father. I can remember clearly my life without the gospel. It was a fine, happy life. I loved my family and friends, didn't make the best choices, however I was still happy. After baptism, I feel full, complete. I cannot imagine life without him, without applying the atonement to my life, without my daily prayers, without speaking to my Heavenly Father and spilling my hearts concerns and worries. Him sending his love in the form of comfort and promise for the future.

It's been a beautiful day.