2013

Welcoming 2013 with open arms, goals and ambitions.

Everybody has their resolutions and expectations for the coming year, but none changed my life so much as the moment I decided to change my lifestyle. My past of alcohol use was coming to a close after one last end of the year hoorah, and I decided I was going to turn my life towards church. Which one, I was yet to know.

What can I say? The last day of 2010 and first of 2011 was an overnight sensation! Okay so maybe it didn't happen that quickly, but it was the start. There always needs to be a beginning. With the help of friends and family, I gravitated towards a better life for myself.

It all started HERE.

I look at where I am now and where I was then, and without sounding too "Jesus Freak," -ish, I really do owe it all to Him. Ye shall know them by their fruits, right? Without sounding self absorbed, I know without a doubt I have become a better person. I know that every decision I have made since the moment I was baptized was with inspiration from a higher power.

I am not ashamed of my past, I didn't know any better. I am not proud of past decisions, there are lots that aren't worthy of that. This journey I have been on has had its ups and downs that I decided I'll share with the blogging world, and this journey I am continuing on has so much in store for me. Where will I be expressing the happiness, challenged with trials of my life since I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints? In my new blog, Confessions of an LDS Convert. I decided I will cover many many things that have brought me joy, that have taught me valuable lessons, that have been a struggle. Tune in :)

2013 here I come!

(For your enjoyment, me at the end of 2010. I've done a lot to discard any past photos online, but I've found reason to display this. It looks nothing like ME!)

(Me, currently, with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. At the Salt Lake City Temple. Can you say word of wisdom much? I think I look much better.)

what i love about sundays

cue the music!

I absolutely love sundays. I feel like it's a day to appreciate the simple things in life that our Heavenly Father has blessed us with! You take time out of your busy life to realize what matters most.

I love sleeping in.
I love church.
I love spending time with my family and friends.
I love that the day is dedicated to the man above.
I love baking on this day.
I love sitting outside and enjoying this earth (sun, rain, snow)
I love reading.
I love that it feels like a break from this crazy world.

Have I expressed the fact that I miss Utah yet? Because I do. I came to this realization yesterday and started laughing. Utah is where my life is. California is my home where I grew up and my family still lives, but its not me anymore.

I've been thinking a lot about change lately with this new year approaching. Still can't believe its 2013! There will be a New Years Resolution post coming soon. Somehow putting it out there for people to see might motivate me to really go through with them all. But back to change...

Change is growth. Change is work. Change is results. Change is good.

like crazy.

Some days I feel the need, to fill the void of love in my life. Not the love that you get from family and friends, but love.

Some days I like to fill that void by losing myself in books and movies. Or by ways that I shouldn't.

What I do know, is that some day that void will be filled by someone that will make me strive to be the best kind of person I can and vice versa.

So until that day, I will continue to watch my chick flicks, I will continue to watch the Bachelor or Bachelorette on TV and remind myself with those things, that love exists. I will let that vicarious love fill me with happiness.

Call me crazy.

this season

Somehow I got caught up/lost in how much I hate this town, and started forgetting some of the most important reasons for this season.

I feel at so much peace when I am snuggling on the couch in our living room, face lit up from the light of our christmas tree. Just laying and listening to the buzz of my family roaming around upstairs getting ready for bed, while I pull out my scriptures and read. 

FAMILY. That's what it's all about. I am in my home. I am so grateful to be here! 

an internal debate

So is it gray or grey?

That has always bugged me, especially since it is one of my favorite colors. I always tend to gravitate towards gray sweatshirts, grey pants, gray sheets (we will touch on that later). If you hadn't noticed, I never know which to use so I just switch it up :)

As I scourged the internet for an answer to my unanswered question, I found nothing. All I found was that it is a preference. Why can't you just tell me which to prefer?!

What sparked this debate in my mind once again you ask? Well let me tell you...

Yesterday morning I was doing some last minute shopping, at Target. I came across some amazing looking flannel sheets. They were gray. They were on clearance. I pretty much thought it was a done deal. As I quickly threw them into my basket I was happy. And then I realized I was supposed to be shopping for other people, not myself! So I unselfishly gave them up and put them back.

Not a big deal right? You wouldn't think that it would affect my day, but nope. A little bit later I was on the phone with Becky and I told her about not ending up buying the sheets. I said to her, why was I thinking of wasting money on sheets (even though I loved them in all their solid gray glory) when...

1. I don't necessarily need them
2. Lets pray that I am not in a twin bed for long (twin bed = twin size sheets)
3. Lets pray that I am sharing an at least Queen sized bed with a husband in the not to distant future (Queen sized bed with future I dont know who that is husband = not realistic for grey twin sized sheets).
4. Oh yeah, and I was shopping for other people

Well enough of that. I've decided. For me, it will be...

gray

yes, that happened.

Ever had one of those days where everything is just off? Today was that day for me. Without a doubt. This girl right here.

It may have all started last night before bed. I was just in one of those negative nancy moods, which is no bueno. So I quickly read my scriptures, said my prayers and put on a movie to quickly fall asleep too. Needed out of that mind set stat.

So when I awoke this morning I felt at least a little bit better, did some shopping, packed for my trip home, etc. I started my trek to layton later in the afternoon, where my wonderful roommate Becky is from and the person who so graciously said yes to driving me to the airport. The drive proved uneventful yet satisfying. Every once in awhile a good thinking/singing/screaming my emotions out to T Swift sesh for an hour is therapeutic.

...5 minutes before I arrived to my destination I stopped at the gas station. Whats typical of me is to throw my debit card into my pocket until I get back into the car. What isn't typical is a gas station where you take out the pump and have to lift a lever underneath the machine to make it start. I blame that, it threw me off. It also caused me to throw my card on the ground and proceed to drive away.

Arriving at Beckys I realized it was missing. I just knew I had left it there. Driving back to check I didn't see it on the ground. However, when I checked with the lady inside, she said someone had turned it in. Ding! Ding! Ding! Good samaritan and great luck right there.

And onward. Laughing about that mishap I quickly said my goodbyes and merrily went on my way to the Jetblue line to check my bag. After a couple minutes of waiting around, I reached into my pocket for my phone... and it wasn't there. My heart sank, and I knew I had left it in the cup holder  in the car. This was the moment when I wish we still had to memorize peoples numbers, the only one I could think of was my moms! I called her from a randoms phone and told her to dial the shiz out of my phone until Becky answered. I kept my laptop on me and hopped onto the good ol FB and messaged Becky and Jason. Luckily, Jason was able to call Becky before it was too late and my phone was safely returned to its owner. What an angel Becky is for putting up with my shenanigans today.

A sigh of relief passed through me and I was homebound. I made it home and wanted to get stuff to make treats tomorrow. Took my mommas car the local Winco where they had NOTHING. Absolutely nothing that I needed. I ended up with imitation vanilla. What is that even? No hershey's hugs. No almond bark. No nothing that I needed. Oh, and it was a store full of rude people. Utah to California, big difference in friendliness. But I knew that.

Anyway, I promise I am not complaining. It was just one of those days. And thankfully, I am in my home with my family. Tomorrow is sunday. Sundays are always good. Goodnight world.

remember.

How did I get here? How did I get to this point in my life where I have such a deep relationship with our Heavenly Father and it only grows more and more everyday.

It's easy, yet difficult to remember my life without Him in it. The gospel changes lives. Everyday I am reminded of the comfort and happiness I have because of Him. I know that He is here for us in times of trial and in times of joy.

Sitting here in my small cozy apartment, lights off, face lit up by my computer screen, I am happy. I can let the complaints of wants come out of my mouth all day long (which Im working on quitting), but at the end of it, I am blessed. So blessed for everything in my life.

Earlier this year when I moved here to Utah, I made a vow to write in my journal often. Now maybe I haven't been as good about it as I would have liked, but it has been a gift. I can look back on this past years experiences and see the progress I have made. I can see clear links to trials I have had, and specific blessings that have come from it. I can see the faith that has grown and my dependence on Him. I am so happy. I have such an internal happiness and comfort that I know is a gift.

I now understand why LDS members try and share the gospel so much. As an outsider, you think to yourself, what is their deal? They are so annoying. Why do they want to keep talking Jesus this and Jesus that church stuff to me? I GET IT NOW. I have never known such a greater joy in my life. I know exactly where it comes from. I want these things more than anything for my family and friends.

I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this post, but what I do know is that I love our Savior. Being away from my family has taught me how great they are, and my love and appreciation for them has grown. This month I really want to strive to serve others, and let those people that are near and dear to me know that that is how I feel. That they are so important to me, and that I cherish them so much. I am grateful for the examples of people surrounding me, especially my roommates. I love the temple and that I get to drive past it every morning on my way to work.

Throughout the Book of Mormon, it says to REMEMBER. That word has been one of the best things for me. I sit down everyday and focus on remembering that He loves us. He knows us. He is there for us always. He has a personal plan for each of us. I have so many blessings because of him. I am loved.

spiritual high

I have been on such a spiritual high this week.

While sitting in my oh so comfy middle seat on the airplane, I was falling in and out of sleep. My thought processes were flowing. Our flight home was delayed a couple of hours and I began complaining.

...I am going to be so tired for work tomorrow, ugh.
...I will have so much to catch up on, ugh.
...I feel fat from eating like a crazy person this weekend, ugh.
...and so on, ugh.

Snapping me out of this limbo sleeping state was an announcement from the pilot. As soon as I quickly disregarded whatever he was saying, I realized what had been going through my mind. I was complaining. A lot. I feel like that is a weakness of mine because I am really good at it haha. This time it was different though, it was like something zapped me and awoke me from this state of selfishness and ungratefulness.

I just had an amazing trip to New York where I was able to travel with my roommate and spend time with my best friend from elementary school. I was able to see sites that I have only ever heard about and view other peoples lifestyles. Central Park was beautiful, Times Square was a mecca of people, the subway systems were unreal. I ate and ate my little heart out trying new things and it made me happy. I then was able to return home to a job and a roof over my head.

In that moment I vowed to make a conscious effort this week to not complain, but to be optimistic and positive. This has led me to reading more of the scriptures and talks from the Ensign. It has made me so happy! There is no greater happiness than directing your life towards Christ.

With a few slips here and there, I have done better at straying my thoughts from complaints. I really find the need to serve right now, so I am looking into hopefully finding some things especially around the holidays. I am grateful to have my family at home who is always so supportive and that I can feel their love even from a distance. I am grateful for my Utah family and my roommates, and the amazing examples they set.

It's funny how the mind works. Its so wonderful how strongly you can feel the spirit when you are on the right path. I love that we are able to communicate with our Heavenly Father whenever and wherever. I am grateful that we have the scriptures and living prophets today to help guide us! All we need to do is make the effort and reach out to them because they are there, always. Here are some things that have really helped me throughout this week.

Red Eye Night

I went to New York last week. It was awesome.

Since so much was seen and filled this little mind of mine to the brim, I think I am going to do, day by day posts.

It all started with the venture to the SLC Airport. Upon arriving, checking our bags, going through security (where Becky was yelled at for standing on the yellow feet thing wrong) we ran into some people we knew! Which was a surprise since our flight left at 11:30 PM. Luckily, her friend Cole has family in NY and knew his way around because we would have been chopped liver trying to figure out the air train and subway system. Probably would have taken us hours and hours to get to Marys! Note: subway rats are real, and you actually need to hold onto the subways poles...or. else. you. will. fall.

So the entire flight, neither of us slept. I took the window seat (which I absolutely love) and Becky had the middle next to a guy with bad breath. By the time we arrived in Brooklyn we were exhausted! We quickly took a 2 hour nap (thats enough time right?) and made our way to downtown Manhattan. There was some damage from Hurricane Sandy and a lot of the building were still being drained of water. Credit card machines didn't work either, so we quickly realized we wouldn't be buying anything.

Just walking around New York and exploring was a dream. You can turn any corner and find a new world. I probably walked a jillion miles throughout my trip, but me eating like a fat kid the entire kid probably balanced it out.

Somehow we wandered to the Hudson River which was beautiful. Never been to New Jersey but now I have seen it from a distance! Could see lady Liberty too. The walk along going towards upstate was beautiful. To the left was the River and to the right I passed countless basketball courts with kids playing.

After touring part of NYU's campus (the school that Mary goes to), we made our way home and called it an early night. A full nights sleep was in order.

***Side note: this trip was all because of my first best friend in elementary school. Mary and I have been friends for almost 20 years now! And I know that is a lifelong friendship because we have always kept in contact no matter the distance between us. Us California girls now living in New York and Utah. I was so ecstatic to spend some time with her and so grateful that she let us visit and stay with her. Even sleep in her bed (which is huge).

my election post.

President Obama was re-elected and I don't know what is going to be the result of that. All I can hope is for a turn around for our country.

I am not huge into politics and therefore I don't argue back and forth with people, but this did leave a weird pit of a feeling in my stomach. I can't stop reading all the posts and opinons of people in relation to the election. It's like crack and is keeping me from sleeping.

That is all for now.

more than a little, under the weather

A wave of sickness always hits you at the worst possible times. I'm supposed to be working and saving money for my trip to New York in a couple of weeks. I am supposed to be training for my half marathon. I am supposed to be running my half marathon in 4 days. I need to make some major life decisions.

But all I can do is lay here. In my bed, on the couch, in my bed again. I might go crazy if I have to spend another day in this apartment. When you stand up and feel like you are going to fall over though, it's probably a sign you should stay put.

My body just feels extremely weak. I get faint when standing for too long, I get nauseous if I move too quickly. I cough every second of the day which makes me feel like I have a 6-pack of abs, and I definitely do not. My fever finally went down, which is a blessing.

Sometimes during these moments, you just wish you were a little kid at home with your mom taking care of and catering to you. For now, informational and comforting texts of her telling you she wishes you were together so she could take care of you will have to do.

This all probably stems from me running my body like a crazy person. I need to remember to slow down every once in awhile. Not eating the healthiest, exercising every day, hiking a couple miles in the cold to sit in natural sulfur hot pots and hiking back in the middle of the night (not that smart either), then continuing to go go go the next day... is a recipe for disaster.

we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.

do we really though?
sometimes i feel like i get stuck and accept something, when i know i deserve better.
its a twisted twisted world of love out there.

a fork in the road

I've come to a fork in my road. Obviously, there are decisions to be made daily... what I am going to eat for breakfast, what time I should go to the gym, etc. But this is bigger than that, where do I need to be the next couple years of my life?

I can't get over the fact that my next birthday is 25. I use to think that that was so old, but never really thought of exactly where I would be or what I would be doing. Joining the church wasn't something that ever fit into my plans either. I am happy with where I am, but where do I go from here?

I need to work on Heavenly Fathers timetable. I heard this time and again in this recent conference. Henry B. Eyring said, "God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to his will, and his time." No truer words have been spoken. I need to focus on my faith, and doing all that I can to make Him proud.

As I lay here on my couch, in my pajamas, listening to the most beautiful song I have heard in awhile (will list at the bottom of this post), I cant help but think of the last day that I saw Jake. He's been back on his mission for almost a year now, which is crazy to me that time has flown by that quickly. But I remember being sai because when he left we were 23 and when he gets back we will be 25. Thats pretty obvious, but its the fact that our lives will have changed in so many ways. I could have been married and had kids within that time period. Obviously, that isn't happening haha, but that strong friendship that we had was put to a halt and we both have been growing separately in different ways.

I am excited for the future even though I don't know what it holds. I am excited to work on myself and having faith in Heavenly Fathers timing for things. I promise to try and be more optimistic and to serve others more.

Bon Iver - Holocene

Becky, Desi and I at the football game

the little things

Right when I am about to consider throwing myself a pity party, I am reminded of how much I am blessed! It's been one of those weeks where you don't understand why things are the way they are, and where to go from here. You are constantly trying to get it stuck in your head that, Heavenly Father has a plan, and we can't go off our timetable, but we need to go off his.

With that said, filling my time is top priority. Nobody likes wallowing in their self pity alone at home. Went to Becky's soccer game and afterward I started the short walk to the gym and ran into our home teacher who was bringing our apartment sundae's from McDonalds! (He knows how much we love McDonalds, which is a lot). After my short stint at the gym... excuses aside, my knees really do hurt and I just didn't want to be there, I came home to plate of cinammon rolls on our doorstep.

Those small acts of kindness go far. I am so appreciative of the small things, I am beyond blessed.

On a side note, I went to a "white party" with my friend Ryan a couple weeks back. It was his friends party in their backyard. It was honestly the cutest little thing I have ever been too. The pictures surfaced online so here they are!

it's about doing and becoming

Prior to conference, I could tell that this boost of faith would come to me in a large amount. I am beyond grateful for our living prophet Thomas S. Monson and every leader in the church. General conference is that twice a year extra push we get from our Heavenly Father saying, keep going, I am here for you. He speaks to us today in numerous ways and through the speakers at conference they can share one thought and millions of us can get just what we need from it. It translates to each and every one of us, in our own personal ways.

My roommate and I were just discussing how much the little things matter. Reading our scriptures, striving to keep in mind the things that matter most, trying to find ways to serve others, prayer, etc. When you start letting go of those things that seem so small, you are slowly letting go of small parts of your faith.

Every single day I need that feeling from my Heavenly Father. I can remember clearly my life without the gospel. It was a fine, happy life. I loved my family and friends, didn't make the best choices, however I was still happy. After baptism, I feel full, complete. I cannot imagine life without him, without applying the atonement to my life, without my daily prayers, without speaking to my Heavenly Father and spilling my hearts concerns and worries. Him sending his love in the form of comfort and promise for the future.

It's been a beautiful day.

some days you don't know whether to laugh or cry. how about both? the uncertainty of everything going on in your life at times feels like too much. then you get slapped over the head with a big dose of heart breaking reality. things aren't perfect. no way, really.

i have so many things to be grateful for and that is what i need to focus on. but how am i supposed to do that when your heart hurts. yes, i am a girl. yes, my heart really hurts. im sure fellow girls can feel my pain that when your heart hurts, you can't think about anything else. it's hard to be happy about all the good things going on in your life. did i buy a plane ticket to NY for november? yup. did i get accepted to the University of Utah? yup.

my heart hurts. its not anybody's fault but my own, i knew it would happen from the beginning. im too old for this.

(i am aware i did not capitalize pretty much anything in this post and my grammar sucks. but here at my pity party i am going to throw a big fat 'i don't care')

oh momma.

Today Fran posts a picture on Instagram of my mother. Saying how she is taking her out to lunch for the first time. She probably just received her first paycheck from Rubios. Anyway, I comment saying, "tell mom I love her!" and other people comment on how great she is as well. I check back in an hour later to that same picture and Fran posts, "she said she loves all her fans xoxo"....lol

Haha how can you not love my mom?! You grow up and realize that that lady is your best friend and knows everything about you. Can make you laugh any time even if it is over social media sites. Point is, I miss my mom :)

Houston we have a problem! Mayday Mayday.

no pun intended.

Sometimes you have no idea what is going on in your heart. I was pretty sure that I was in tune with my feelings, but then out of nowhere I am lost. Jokes on me! Haha. Guess the only solution to this problem is waiting it out, time is everything.

Just finished playing four-square, actually nine-square (a large group of people stretched that one out)! Bringing back to my childhood, I like it.

I feel like I am all over the place today, not just in this blog post. My brain, my heart, my health. Definitely not making any sense. Saw this today and loved it...

Today was a day of happiness! I felt incredibly grateful for the vacation I had this past weekend and the friends that surrounded me. I thought I would dread the work day ahead of me when I stepped outside this morning and it was cold enough for me to turn on the heater in my car. Luckily, I have amazing co-workers and we all keep each other sane and laughing... most of the time haha. Even though I was lazy, it felt great to run at the gym. Hopefully get rid of all that junk food I ate throughout the weekend, no regrets on that, it was oh so good. Skyped with my best friend from home Erin, for a good hour. Definitely put a smile on my face. Took my laptop in the bathroom with me while I showered. It was a perfect night for a good sing-a-long. Prayed, read my scriptures and got exactly what I needed out of them. I am blessed more than I will ever be able to realize. Goodnight y'all.

drumroll please...

At church on Sunday, I was called to be Relief Society 1st councilor, woo! I can seriously testify that Heavenly Father knows each and every one of us, and he knows our wants and needs. I feel like this was such a blessing. I love Heavenly Father, I love the gospel and the church, I love everything that has to do with the atonement, holy ghost and its guidance, etc. But I still struggle. I felt like I was falling into a place where I was questioning directions in my life and purpose. I feel like this calling was the purpose I was looking for and after being baptized only a little over a year ago, I am ecstatic to learn even more. It's a lot, but I know it will be worth it and rewarding. There is no greater love than charity!

In other news, I hiked Bridal Veil falls with Katelyn on saturday. I feel like it was just a check off the list of things that you are required to do at least once if you live in Provo. The leaves on all the trees are changing, and there are amazing fall colors scattered across the mountains. Fall = favorite season of the year and I havent experience a Utah fall. I have high expectations, beautiful color on trees and scenery better not let me down! haha.

surviving cold showers

So I lagged on getting the gas bill transferred into my name, which resulted in no warm water. Figuring it would get turned on immediately the next day I rationalized that I would be able to live without a shower for 24 hours. I was wrong.

I had a long day at work and all I wanted was that super clean feeling. Mustering up the courage, I walked into my apartment and straight into the bathroom to shower. Quickly I turned on the water, and stepped into the shower at the far end of the tub. It went downhill fast. My instinct was to ditch the shower and live forever dirty, okay for another day. I decided to stick my leg into the stream of water, cold shock! I tried to hop to the other end of the bath so the water would flow over my head. It was an unusual dance I had with that water. As soon as I got my hair wet it was all over, freezing water flowed all over me and at that point there was no turning back!

Once it was all over, I vowed I would never do that again. And I couldn't help but laugh.

perfect day

As failed as my attempt was to get married this year, I still have faith that there is that someone I will one day meet. That one day we will grow old together and always make each other laugh. Hopeless romantic party of 1 right here!

So in other words, today I found my wedding day song. Even though I am not in engaged, not in a relationship and don't even want to be right now haha. One day though... drumroll please... this song is perfect. Also, I love this video, it makes me tear up.

http://vimeo.com/44417251

Seriously though, watch it and you will fall in love. I couldn't figure out how to get this video posted on my page since it is through vimeo. Trust me, watch it :)

the poor life

The poor life... okay, I know there are people that are a lot worse off than me haha. However, I just put lemon pepper on my scrambled eggs because I don't have salt. Drank water out of the one cup (coffee cup) I have, that was given to me for free for signing up with Wells Fargo (which I cancelled my account). It is just hilarious to me right now lol. Hey, maybe I will lose some weight! Always look on the bright side of things :)

The new Taylor Swift song, love love love. It isn't anything country, but she gets me every single time! So catchy. So here I am, sitting on my couch, alone on a friday night, watching access hollywood. Life is good.

102

I am in love with my bed! Well not that much, but let's just say that my bed is a lot more comfy than my previous. However, it is still a twin. It feels great to walk into a room that has only your stuff in it. Both side of the walls are mine. Those clothes on the ground? All mine.

I am excited for this new adventure, with new roommates, with new people in the ward. I am ready to make new relationships with people I haven't met yet. All day I have been thinking about the friendships I have formed while I've been here, and some are good! But I want them to be better. I have been picturing a tree with its roots being a symbol as to how deep my relationships are. I am sad to say that none go too deep. Thing to work on number one.

outside.

When I am outside, I feel peace. Simple as that. Saturday night I was walking back to my apartment and it started to rain. I stopped, lifted my face to the sky, closed my eyes and let the drops hit my skin. I couldn't stay like that for too long or else people would stare haha but I enjoyed the moment.

Today me and Rochelle went to the park, sprawled our bodies out on the blanket she brought and read our books. I wonder what my outdoor get away will be when winter comes.

thank you's

Today while at work, I was taking my time straightening up the reception area. Our office had just put together a book of all the thank you cards we've received from both, past and current patients. While reading through them, it made me think of what a nice gesture that is. To go somewhere and genuinely receive great service, then send them a letter or card letting how much you appreciate them.

So there. That is exactly one thing that I am going to work on for myself. Maybe it will be an August and September goal, to buy a pack of thank you cards and send them out to let people know that I appreciate them. Whether it is caring service at an office, or just something at a restaurant, store, etc. I want to be able to find ways to use them and let people know that I truly am grateful for whatever kind of generosity I received. I know that would make my day, so why not do that for someone else?

Also, while writing this post I just realize that I am horrible at spelling receive. Every single time I type it, I put the "I" before "E"and afterwards need to go back and autocorrect haha.

day one

I've never felt a cry, like the cry I had today. It was a sort of an, "in-between," cry. I couldn't decide whether or not to keep trying to hold it in, or just let it stream out. So I was in this weird limbo of a cry. I feel like ever since I turned, ohhh 23 years old, I cry like a little baby. I get emotional over shows, church, everything haha.

Today I had a reason. I hadn't seen my little brother since December and he was graduating boot camp! I woke up to my mom crying before we even left to see him, she said she was "nervous." I wouldn't use nervous as my word of choice, but she did haha. We got to the marine base and made our way to his platoon area and got a briefing of what was going to happen for the day. When the time came, the boys we're allowed to stand in front of us for a brief moment and then jog away. It was like a quick tease. Over the bodies and waving hands of the people in front of me I got a glimpse of my brother. We had to wait another 2 hours until we actually we're able to be reunited.

But that moment was nice. It was a free for all once they let us loose on our new marines. My mom was jumping up and down so he could find us and once we reached each other, the tears flowed. I can't ever express how proud I am of him. Picturing him in a gas chamber, being yelled at constantly, physically and mentally tried every second of the day weighs on me. I know he is strong and I know that he isn't a little boy anymore. He isnt the little brother I picked on, or maybe he still is cause I totally still pick on him

Tomorrow is his actual graduation and we get to take him home. He says he wants pizza and his bed haha. Easy requests.

Pictures of the day from my phone, I left my camera cord in Utah so those will have to wait :)

For giggles...

Happy August!

Actually I have no idea what is in store this month. For starters, I am sitting at the Salt Lake City Airport on my way back home. It will begin with all my family (immediate family) being together for the first time since December and lots of hugs. No kisses, we're not that kind of family haha. I'll blog more on that later as the days go by.

So August, changes! I will be in Cali the first week and when I get back I will have a week left until I move out of my apartment and move into a different one. I am actually pretty excited, we will see how this not knowing your roommates thing will work out. But then again, I didn't really know Kelli or Ingrid that well before either.

Current situations (sorry, just going off on random thoughts), I love people watching. I seriously think of it as an exciting activity. Everyone at the airport is from a million different places and going a million different directions. I saw a cute little kid being towed on top of his suitcase by his dad. I stood behind an older lady who smelled strongly of perfume, you know the old lady smell. I was told by the airport lady that I seriously need to double check my pockets because there shouldn't be anything in them (im wearing stretchy exercise pants, no pockets in those things).

Darn, I've run out of thoughts.

I'm coming home...

Coming home, tell the world that I'm coming home...
(Lately, I will hear a line of a song come up in normal conversation and then I break into song)

But really! I am coming home tomorrow. My real home, my families home in the heart of MoVal. Oh how I miss that brown dry town, occasionally.  I mainly just miss my family and the sense of security I have there.

However, there is an event. My brother is graduating from the marines boot camp in San Diego! I can't even express enough how proud I am of him. December was the last time that I saw him so this should be a great weekend well spent. Oceanside here I come, my mom is already planning a family bon fire for us on friday night haha. She is a great mom, always trying to make us happy.

All that I need to do is finish packing (gay), stop by work to pick up something before I leave and drive my little Nissan Xterra to that Salt Lake City airport. Then after about an hour and a half spent in the air I will arrive in Long Beach. Jetblue, I love you. Until then, farewell!

Under the Sun

The title of my blog means so much to me, and I was reminded of it this past week. You sit and try and think of some clever title, but really mine sums up what I love. I had two moments this week 'under the sun' that were the epitome of a perfect feeling to me.

The first running the 5k race through downtown Salt Lake while it was sunny and raining, I am pretty sure on that blog post I mentioned, in that moment things felt perfect.

The second moment was last night. Our friend Ryan oh so graciously took us out on his boat to Utah Lake. Just sitting there, staring out at the most beautiful sunset was another perfect moment for me. You just try to soak in natures beauty, and I am not trying to sound all mushy. Those outdoor moments are me. They are everything that I live for. The outdoor activities are what brings happiness to my whole being.

Other than that, I was attacked by a swarm of mosquitos (along with everyone else...), and am drowning myself in bath salts and cortizone cream. Today we might float the Provo River with some friends and I think I am going to insist on a stop to the store for bug spray. My body is not food for these insects!

inner blogger

I feel like my inner blogger is coming out. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, seeing as I am not  that witty and creative of a writer. But I will continue on in my "wanna be" blogger fashion.

Today I am feeling down. Well, down and up. Up in the fact that I am excited for the future even though I have no idea what is actually in store for me. Down because I feel like moving here right away and dating someone was not the most smart decision I could have made. In the end, it obviously didn't work out and now that I am back to single life, I find it harder and harder to make friends. I see groups of friends already formed, and I am kind of discounted if it has in any way a relation to do with my ex. For me, the situations aren't awkward. I am an adult, I don't talk bad about past people I have dated. I guess being mature in this situation isn't so easy for some people. 

Well what shall I do? I guess continue on in the journey, I know that things will work out and I will be right back on that road to happiness again soon. 

Okay guys

I had an epiphany last night. I haven't checked if I am using that word in the right context, but anyway... I was laying in bed wasting away some time before I actually got sleepy. Thoughts were jumbled in my head, ranging from what I would do tomorrow, to what is in store for me this next year. Not to jump the gun, but I think I realized it. It definitely has to do with continuing my education, but where oh where would this take place? I had really good vibes when I thought about a certain school so I am going to pursue it and see what happens. I am more than excited about this and I am hoping it works out the way that I feel it will. Bon voyage Provo? Haha tune in and see.

It's a quarter after 6am

Actually it isn't anymore, but it was the time me and Alise left Provo this morning to head to Salt Lake. That city excites me, all the different things to do that I don't even know about yet. At the same time I think it somewhat appeals to me because it IS a city and it is not as dirty as LA.  Nonetheless, late last night we decided we were going to jump in on the 5k Pioneer Day (Utah state holiday) run that started at the Energy Solutions Arena (where the Utah Jazz play).

To my surprise, we both got up and made it there just in time for the race to start. Running through streets that are so unfamiliar, but at the same time so full of interesting sights. I couldn't help but laugh like a little school girl and smile while running with this large group of people that varied in ages. The sun was shining through the clouds and the temperature was perfect. At first I thought someone had spit on me, but quickly realized that it had started raining. In that moment, I felt happier than I have been in a long time. There is something about being outside and running in the rain that went deeper then what my body was physically doing.

Today is Pioneer Day, a Utah state holiday. My first instincts were to be like, "yes! an unexpected paid day off." And don't get me wrong, I still feel that way, but it is more than that. I know of few pioneer stories, but I know what it is like to do something hard when you don't know what the outcome will be. To make a move alone and trust that you are making the right decision.

Things are changing in my life again and I am excited and scared at the same time :)

Can you paint with all the colors of the wind...

Yes, we are watching Pocahontas on a saturday night and I have no problem with that. This movie makes me want to start a Disney movie marathon! Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, etc... What could be better?

Today my dad posted a picture of my brother in his marines uniform. For anyone that doesn't know, I moved here in January and haven't seen him since. He left earlier then we thought for bootcamp and I wasn't able to make it home in time. I am SO proud of him! I think about all of the things he has probably been put through and they tug at my heart strings. My little brother who grew up in a house full of girls, the little boy who was constantly picked on by his older sisters. In less than two weeks time, we get to see him graduate!

There is nothing like family and I have realized that more and more as I have gotten older and moved to a different state. Man I love them :)

17 year old self

For some reason last night a certain thought popped into my head. If I could tell my 17 year old self advice for the future and things to come, what would it be?

If I could tell my 17 year old self...

I would say not to buy a car.
I would say it is okay to be alone.
I would say it is not okay to drink.
I would say to strive to live a righteous and virtuous life.
I would say focus on your goals.
I would say be happy and don't sweat the small stuff.
I would say work hard.

But more than that I would have never in a million years guessed where I would be today. I wouldn't know that I would turn my life completely towards Christ and that that would be the best decision I could ever make for my self. I would not have guessed that the first time I moved out of my parents house that it would be to another state. I wish I could have told myself to focus on things that matter like faith and family and education. I wouldn't know that I would get engaged and break it off. And although those tough times and mistakes have happened, I know that they have taught me extremely valuable lessons. Lessons that I would have never gotten any other way.

Sometimes when I scroll through my facebook feed, I think, "what a stupid person," or "what a stupid thing to say." Then I have to remind myself that I was one of those people at a point in my life. I too was lost, didn't completely understand morals and certain mannerisms. There is no reason I should even for a second judge other people, and that is exactly what I am going to work on. No one is perfect, everybody just needs to be given the chance to accept the truth. I hope that I can be an example to people at home, that real happiness comes from the gospel, and living righteous ways.

stagecoach

Am I sad that I haven't gone to stagecoach the past two years? Not at all.
Am I sad that I didn't get wasted and make numerous stupid mistakes? Definitely not.
Do the pictures that everyone who attended is putting up online make me jealous? Not in the slightest.

I am so happy for the gospel and the joy it has brought to my life! I would never trade that for anything. I am grateful for the guidance and deep deep happiness that it has allowed me to feel. I love my relationship with our Heavenly Father. It makes me sad to know that at one time I was unaware of this, and that people I strongly care about are still unaware. I just pray and hope that I can set an example. I pray that the blessings and the improved quality of my life can be seen by all and that I can open them even in the littlest bit to the truth.

... I was pretty happy at home, in Utah, sober as can be, loving and appreciating this life :)

I don't think I could ever keep track of all the thoughts that go through my head in a single day. I woke up this morning from a nightmare that someone was trying to kill me. What kind of thought is that? Sleepily I jumped out of bed to get ready for work. I always feel slightly bad that I turn on a light in mine and Ingrids room around 6:45 am everyday. Rise and shine to her too haha, I see her roll over and pull her blanket over her head.

This past saturday Brian and I went and played outside. Two of my favorite things, outside and Brian haha. When you can enjoy someones company while doing nothing but entertaining one another, you know it's good. Sunday came and went and was a day that I reflected on a lot of things. I am so blessed, seriously! I can not reiterate that enough. The unique and countless ways that Heavenly Father shows himself in my life is beyond amazing.

After our outdoor adventure of Saturday, we babysat Brians nephews. In little Lincolns room there is a baby monitor (obviously), but it has a screen. As he was in the there calming him down and pretty much lulling him into a sleep, I sappily watched the monitor from the kitchen. Could he make my heart melt anymore? I quickly positioned myself on the other side of the kitchen, as far from the monitor as possible as soon as I noticed he was leaving the room. If you ever read this Brian, sorry I was being a creeper haha. 

I also watched How To Train Your Dragon for the first time... needless to say, I loved it.

Sitting in my apartment, at my table, surrounded by index cards, thinking about how blessed and grateful I truly am! Ever since I made the decision to join the church, my life has only gone in a positive direction. I have grown as a person for the better. I constantly I am considering ways that will not only improve myself, but improve others around me. I want to be the best me that I can be. I continually pray for guidance, and that is continually what I get.

Sometimes I consider how great everything is going for me and I am scared it is going to come to a screeching halt. Life is really that great right now. I have been blessed to be able to financially support myself, and live on my own in an entirely different state with no family around. My roommates have become my family. I have had some setbacks that allowed me to lean closer to my Heavenly Father and trust in Him instead of stressing out, and what did you know, something great and new came along to help me with them. I have had people put in my life here that put a smile on my face everyday and show me love. I have met a person who makes me want to be great for them and always strive to make them happy.

God is good. Life is good. I wish this knowledge for everyone.

The sense of smell

Is it weird that I love the, "smell" of things? I couldn't imagine my life without that sense. Actually, I couldn't imagine my life missing any of my senses but that is besides that point. Certain holidays have certain smells. As you walk into a house during christmas time, you take in that pine tree and cinnamon candle. You take a walk to the beach and breathe in the salty ocean and refreshing air. The sense of smell isn't just in places, it can be the food that your roommate cooks, luring you into the kitchen when you aren't even hungry. It can be the smell of a boy you like and the shirt that he left behind.

My point is, I love our ability to smell.

I have been here a month!

Life is good, oh so good. This week I feel like I have done a lot of reflecting on the past year. Who I was, who I am now, and who I want to become. I am so happy and blessed, the satisfaction I feel in my life right now is great. Everyday I wake up and I am excited for what it holds and the new adventures it brings! I am thankful for the apartment of people I live in, who constantly keep me laughing. I can't recall a single day I have been here, that hasn't caused me to cry and have a stomach cramp because of something funny somebody said.

Deciding to move away from home and to Provo has been the best decision I could have made for myself. To take myself out of an unhealthy surrounding and try to grow as a person somewhere completely different. I have grown and strengthened my relationship with God more than I can imagine. It gets stronger and stronger everyday and I am in awe of it. I continually pray that my family and friends can feel that love that our Heavenly Father has for us, and the realization of the church. Through all of it I have become a better and happier person. I can only pray and wish these things for everyone, and especially the people that I hold dear.

In this past month that I have been here, I have been able to experience things I had not done before and meet people that have made me feel at home. I have been able to be hired at a job that is run by good people. Yes, I miss my family at home and I insanely crazily miss Lily, but there is no doubt about this choice I have made. This blog is a little bit repetitive, but these things are all that I can think about.

mansion cabin in Park City with heated floors

paint war in SLC

Matt Costa concert at BYU

my drive home from work

walking around Sundance

BYU basketball game

Cloud 9

I am happier than I have ever been. Maybe not, but I do feel completely overcome with joy. Everything is just slowly working out and I know that I am supposed to be here. I took a leap and moved, leaving behind my dog, my family, my job and some friends with a whole bunch of uncertainty. I have made some great new friends and have found a job finally. I had faith and it worked out so far. I am excited to know what is in store for me.

So this is my life, and I am adjusting.

The winter snow hasn't set in and I have mixed feelings about it. I am ready to live in a snow globe, but I am not ready to drive in it haha. The drive from home to school is about 50 minutes and easy... for now. I just have this uneasy feeling and fear that I am going to be a horrible driver when those beautiful white fluffy things start falling from the sky and then my perfect driving record will be shot. Another thing that goes alone with driving here is the pedestrians. They are everywhere! They are walking across the street unnoticed at night in dark clothing, they are jogging around on every street and street corner. My car and their body, better never collide.

As part of this living on your own and growing up thing goes, I have found I am a horrible grocery shopper. I did some food buying today and ended up with nothing healthy except for two pears. My daily diet is consisting of fruit snacks, frozen dino chickens, chewy chips ahoy cookies and toast. Man, do I love my toast with the Grandma Sycamores bread here. And food costs money, and money comes from a job... that I don't have yet. There are some things that look promising coming along the way though, so praying for that :)

What I really love about this place is the faith and morals that most people living here have. These two things drive people to be better and to want to make something of themselves. The value of education is high. The desire to live in righteousness is great. The example that I receive here and can follow is extraordinary and something I would not get at home. It is something that I need. I am so excited for this journey :)

music

when music brings you comfort and happiness unexpectedly.

listen for sweet music to your ears.

thank you Ben Howard and The Lumineers for providing me with some great music before sleep.

my mind is in every direction

Third blog within the last 30 minutes. I am on a roll. I need to keep myself occupied and my mind in use. I just saw on Diana Agrons blog site an article on your first kiss. Everybody has a first kiss and they are all so different. I am going to reflect on mine.

My first kiss was when I was 14 years old. I had just started getting real attention from boys and I was soaking it all up. I can't recall exactly what I did earlier in the night (it was Halloween), but I can recall him coming over and us hanging out in front of my house as his friends went around trick or treating. I can look back at it and realize that it was not a very meaningful kiss, although it was my first. His mouth was bigger than mine, the kiss was sloppy and wet. I thought it was perfect then haha.

As I take myself back in time and then bring myself back to reality I just think, gross. What a gross kiss. Although I still long for the physical interaction of a kiss. I now hold them to a more meaningful standard. My kisses are worth something and from here on out I want them to be full of emotion. I think of the kisses from this past year 2011, and they were all meaningful. I go previous to 2011 and they weren't. I have learned what value kisses hold.

Until I find a boy who cares about me deeply, these kisses are kept to myself. Hopefully I wont have to wait too long :)

lily

I have too many thoughts running through my mind right now. Mostly of how much I miss my dog, she needed me and I was always there for her. I needed her, and she was always there for me... The love that comes from a relationship between a dog and the owner is crazy. I miss her so much. Every single moment of the day she was happy to see me.

things are different

It seems like I have given up on blogging, although I still read other peoples blogs everyday. I have loved every bit of 2011, the ups and the downs.  Maybe having high expectations for 2012 is a little much. So far I have lived in Utah for a week. I love this place so far. The fact that I am on my own is great. The fact that I am surrounded by people strong in their faith that are around the same age as me is wonderful. That alone is enough. But there are some struggles, and this afternoon I am coming down with the case of dwelling on them.

It is hard when you don't know very many people. You are surrounded by so many, but they are all already close friends. I know that it is going to just take some time, but I do miss the comfort of already having all these friends at home that know me. Also, everyone attends BYU and I don't. I know that I will get there eventually, but it is just kind of a put down when they ask if  you are attending and your answer is no. I also haven't found a job yet. I know it has only been seven days, but I loved my job at home and I am just struggling to get hired somewhere! I have faith that everything will work out. I have to trust that this is where I am supposed to be because I feel it. I feel that this is where I am supposed to be. I know that everything will work out when it is right. 

But I am scared and worried. I miss my dog and I miss the friendship that I had with Jake. I miss the relationship that I had with Sam. I mostly miss people that know me. That really know me and that I feel 100% comfortable and relaxed around.