some days you don't know whether to laugh or cry. how about both? the uncertainty of everything going on in your life at times feels like too much. then you get slapped over the head with a big dose of heart breaking reality. things aren't perfect. no way, really.

i have so many things to be grateful for and that is what i need to focus on. but how am i supposed to do that when your heart hurts. yes, i am a girl. yes, my heart really hurts. im sure fellow girls can feel my pain that when your heart hurts, you can't think about anything else. it's hard to be happy about all the good things going on in your life. did i buy a plane ticket to NY for november? yup. did i get accepted to the University of Utah? yup.

my heart hurts. its not anybody's fault but my own, i knew it would happen from the beginning. im too old for this.

(i am aware i did not capitalize pretty much anything in this post and my grammar sucks. but here at my pity party i am going to throw a big fat 'i don't care')

oh momma.

Today Fran posts a picture on Instagram of my mother. Saying how she is taking her out to lunch for the first time. She probably just received her first paycheck from Rubios. Anyway, I comment saying, "tell mom I love her!" and other people comment on how great she is as well. I check back in an hour later to that same picture and Fran posts, "she said she loves all her fans xoxo"....lol

Haha how can you not love my mom?! You grow up and realize that that lady is your best friend and knows everything about you. Can make you laugh any time even if it is over social media sites. Point is, I miss my mom :)

Houston we have a problem! Mayday Mayday.

no pun intended.

Sometimes you have no idea what is going on in your heart. I was pretty sure that I was in tune with my feelings, but then out of nowhere I am lost. Jokes on me! Haha. Guess the only solution to this problem is waiting it out, time is everything.

Just finished playing four-square, actually nine-square (a large group of people stretched that one out)! Bringing back to my childhood, I like it.

I feel like I am all over the place today, not just in this blog post. My brain, my heart, my health. Definitely not making any sense. Saw this today and loved it...

Today was a day of happiness! I felt incredibly grateful for the vacation I had this past weekend and the friends that surrounded me. I thought I would dread the work day ahead of me when I stepped outside this morning and it was cold enough for me to turn on the heater in my car. Luckily, I have amazing co-workers and we all keep each other sane and laughing... most of the time haha. Even though I was lazy, it felt great to run at the gym. Hopefully get rid of all that junk food I ate throughout the weekend, no regrets on that, it was oh so good. Skyped with my best friend from home Erin, for a good hour. Definitely put a smile on my face. Took my laptop in the bathroom with me while I showered. It was a perfect night for a good sing-a-long. Prayed, read my scriptures and got exactly what I needed out of them. I am blessed more than I will ever be able to realize. Goodnight y'all.

drumroll please...

At church on Sunday, I was called to be Relief Society 1st councilor, woo! I can seriously testify that Heavenly Father knows each and every one of us, and he knows our wants and needs. I feel like this was such a blessing. I love Heavenly Father, I love the gospel and the church, I love everything that has to do with the atonement, holy ghost and its guidance, etc. But I still struggle. I felt like I was falling into a place where I was questioning directions in my life and purpose. I feel like this calling was the purpose I was looking for and after being baptized only a little over a year ago, I am ecstatic to learn even more. It's a lot, but I know it will be worth it and rewarding. There is no greater love than charity!

In other news, I hiked Bridal Veil falls with Katelyn on saturday. I feel like it was just a check off the list of things that you are required to do at least once if you live in Provo. The leaves on all the trees are changing, and there are amazing fall colors scattered across the mountains. Fall = favorite season of the year and I havent experience a Utah fall. I have high expectations, beautiful color on trees and scenery better not let me down! haha.

surviving cold showers

So I lagged on getting the gas bill transferred into my name, which resulted in no warm water. Figuring it would get turned on immediately the next day I rationalized that I would be able to live without a shower for 24 hours. I was wrong.

I had a long day at work and all I wanted was that super clean feeling. Mustering up the courage, I walked into my apartment and straight into the bathroom to shower. Quickly I turned on the water, and stepped into the shower at the far end of the tub. It went downhill fast. My instinct was to ditch the shower and live forever dirty, okay for another day. I decided to stick my leg into the stream of water, cold shock! I tried to hop to the other end of the bath so the water would flow over my head. It was an unusual dance I had with that water. As soon as I got my hair wet it was all over, freezing water flowed all over me and at that point there was no turning back!

Once it was all over, I vowed I would never do that again. And I couldn't help but laugh.