remember.

How did I get here? How did I get to this point in my life where I have such a deep relationship with our Heavenly Father and it only grows more and more everyday.

It's easy, yet difficult to remember my life without Him in it. The gospel changes lives. Everyday I am reminded of the comfort and happiness I have because of Him. I know that He is here for us in times of trial and in times of joy.

Sitting here in my small cozy apartment, lights off, face lit up by my computer screen, I am happy. I can let the complaints of wants come out of my mouth all day long (which Im working on quitting), but at the end of it, I am blessed. So blessed for everything in my life.

Earlier this year when I moved here to Utah, I made a vow to write in my journal often. Now maybe I haven't been as good about it as I would have liked, but it has been a gift. I can look back on this past years experiences and see the progress I have made. I can see clear links to trials I have had, and specific blessings that have come from it. I can see the faith that has grown and my dependence on Him. I am so happy. I have such an internal happiness and comfort that I know is a gift.

I now understand why LDS members try and share the gospel so much. As an outsider, you think to yourself, what is their deal? They are so annoying. Why do they want to keep talking Jesus this and Jesus that church stuff to me? I GET IT NOW. I have never known such a greater joy in my life. I know exactly where it comes from. I want these things more than anything for my family and friends.

I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this post, but what I do know is that I love our Savior. Being away from my family has taught me how great they are, and my love and appreciation for them has grown. This month I really want to strive to serve others, and let those people that are near and dear to me know that that is how I feel. That they are so important to me, and that I cherish them so much. I am grateful for the examples of people surrounding me, especially my roommates. I love the temple and that I get to drive past it every morning on my way to work.

Throughout the Book of Mormon, it says to REMEMBER. That word has been one of the best things for me. I sit down everyday and focus on remembering that He loves us. He knows us. He is there for us always. He has a personal plan for each of us. I have so many blessings because of him. I am loved.

spiritual high

I have been on such a spiritual high this week.

While sitting in my oh so comfy middle seat on the airplane, I was falling in and out of sleep. My thought processes were flowing. Our flight home was delayed a couple of hours and I began complaining.

...I am going to be so tired for work tomorrow, ugh.
...I will have so much to catch up on, ugh.
...I feel fat from eating like a crazy person this weekend, ugh.
...and so on, ugh.

Snapping me out of this limbo sleeping state was an announcement from the pilot. As soon as I quickly disregarded whatever he was saying, I realized what had been going through my mind. I was complaining. A lot. I feel like that is a weakness of mine because I am really good at it haha. This time it was different though, it was like something zapped me and awoke me from this state of selfishness and ungratefulness.

I just had an amazing trip to New York where I was able to travel with my roommate and spend time with my best friend from elementary school. I was able to see sites that I have only ever heard about and view other peoples lifestyles. Central Park was beautiful, Times Square was a mecca of people, the subway systems were unreal. I ate and ate my little heart out trying new things and it made me happy. I then was able to return home to a job and a roof over my head.

In that moment I vowed to make a conscious effort this week to not complain, but to be optimistic and positive. This has led me to reading more of the scriptures and talks from the Ensign. It has made me so happy! There is no greater happiness than directing your life towards Christ.

With a few slips here and there, I have done better at straying my thoughts from complaints. I really find the need to serve right now, so I am looking into hopefully finding some things especially around the holidays. I am grateful to have my family at home who is always so supportive and that I can feel their love even from a distance. I am grateful for my Utah family and my roommates, and the amazing examples they set.

It's funny how the mind works. Its so wonderful how strongly you can feel the spirit when you are on the right path. I love that we are able to communicate with our Heavenly Father whenever and wherever. I am grateful that we have the scriptures and living prophets today to help guide us! All we need to do is make the effort and reach out to them because they are there, always. Here are some things that have really helped me throughout this week.

Red Eye Night

I went to New York last week. It was awesome.

Since so much was seen and filled this little mind of mine to the brim, I think I am going to do, day by day posts.

It all started with the venture to the SLC Airport. Upon arriving, checking our bags, going through security (where Becky was yelled at for standing on the yellow feet thing wrong) we ran into some people we knew! Which was a surprise since our flight left at 11:30 PM. Luckily, her friend Cole has family in NY and knew his way around because we would have been chopped liver trying to figure out the air train and subway system. Probably would have taken us hours and hours to get to Marys! Note: subway rats are real, and you actually need to hold onto the subways poles...or. else. you. will. fall.

So the entire flight, neither of us slept. I took the window seat (which I absolutely love) and Becky had the middle next to a guy with bad breath. By the time we arrived in Brooklyn we were exhausted! We quickly took a 2 hour nap (thats enough time right?) and made our way to downtown Manhattan. There was some damage from Hurricane Sandy and a lot of the building were still being drained of water. Credit card machines didn't work either, so we quickly realized we wouldn't be buying anything.

Just walking around New York and exploring was a dream. You can turn any corner and find a new world. I probably walked a jillion miles throughout my trip, but me eating like a fat kid the entire kid probably balanced it out.

Somehow we wandered to the Hudson River which was beautiful. Never been to New Jersey but now I have seen it from a distance! Could see lady Liberty too. The walk along going towards upstate was beautiful. To the left was the River and to the right I passed countless basketball courts with kids playing.

After touring part of NYU's campus (the school that Mary goes to), we made our way home and called it an early night. A full nights sleep was in order.

***Side note: this trip was all because of my first best friend in elementary school. Mary and I have been friends for almost 20 years now! And I know that is a lifelong friendship because we have always kept in contact no matter the distance between us. Us California girls now living in New York and Utah. I was so ecstatic to spend some time with her and so grateful that she let us visit and stay with her. Even sleep in her bed (which is huge).

my election post.

President Obama was re-elected and I don't know what is going to be the result of that. All I can hope is for a turn around for our country.

I am not huge into politics and therefore I don't argue back and forth with people, but this did leave a weird pit of a feeling in my stomach. I can't stop reading all the posts and opinons of people in relation to the election. It's like crack and is keeping me from sleeping.

That is all for now.

more than a little, under the weather

A wave of sickness always hits you at the worst possible times. I'm supposed to be working and saving money for my trip to New York in a couple of weeks. I am supposed to be training for my half marathon. I am supposed to be running my half marathon in 4 days. I need to make some major life decisions.

But all I can do is lay here. In my bed, on the couch, in my bed again. I might go crazy if I have to spend another day in this apartment. When you stand up and feel like you are going to fall over though, it's probably a sign you should stay put.

My body just feels extremely weak. I get faint when standing for too long, I get nauseous if I move too quickly. I cough every second of the day which makes me feel like I have a 6-pack of abs, and I definitely do not. My fever finally went down, which is a blessing.

Sometimes during these moments, you just wish you were a little kid at home with your mom taking care of and catering to you. For now, informational and comforting texts of her telling you she wishes you were together so she could take care of you will have to do.

This all probably stems from me running my body like a crazy person. I need to remember to slow down every once in awhile. Not eating the healthiest, exercising every day, hiking a couple miles in the cold to sit in natural sulfur hot pots and hiking back in the middle of the night (not that smart either), then continuing to go go go the next day... is a recipe for disaster.

we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
we accept the love we think we deserve.

do we really though?
sometimes i feel like i get stuck and accept something, when i know i deserve better.
its a twisted twisted world of love out there.

a fork in the road

I've come to a fork in my road. Obviously, there are decisions to be made daily... what I am going to eat for breakfast, what time I should go to the gym, etc. But this is bigger than that, where do I need to be the next couple years of my life?

I can't get over the fact that my next birthday is 25. I use to think that that was so old, but never really thought of exactly where I would be or what I would be doing. Joining the church wasn't something that ever fit into my plans either. I am happy with where I am, but where do I go from here?

I need to work on Heavenly Fathers timetable. I heard this time and again in this recent conference. Henry B. Eyring said, "God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to his will, and his time." No truer words have been spoken. I need to focus on my faith, and doing all that I can to make Him proud.

As I lay here on my couch, in my pajamas, listening to the most beautiful song I have heard in awhile (will list at the bottom of this post), I cant help but think of the last day that I saw Jake. He's been back on his mission for almost a year now, which is crazy to me that time has flown by that quickly. But I remember being sai because when he left we were 23 and when he gets back we will be 25. Thats pretty obvious, but its the fact that our lives will have changed in so many ways. I could have been married and had kids within that time period. Obviously, that isn't happening haha, but that strong friendship that we had was put to a halt and we both have been growing separately in different ways.

I am excited for the future even though I don't know what it holds. I am excited to work on myself and having faith in Heavenly Fathers timing for things. I promise to try and be more optimistic and to serve others more.

Bon Iver - Holocene

Becky, Desi and I at the football game